How Your Childhood Needs Shaped the You of Today

"I don't know why I did it again." "Why do I always end up with the same kind of people?"

"I feel like I'm stuck in a loop and can't get out."

In my therapy room, this is one of the most common and heartfelt questions I hear. It’s whispered with a mix of confusion, frustration, and pain. It’s the feeling of being stuck in a loop, whether in relationships, at work, or within your own mind. You might see a pattern—always choosing unavailable partners, constantly feeling like an imposter despite your successes, or avoiding risks at all costs. You ask yourself, "Why do I keep doing this?"

The answer, so often, isn't about a lack of willpower or a character flaw. It's about invisible scripts that were written long ago, in your childhood. In therapy, we call these scripts schemas.

Schemas are deep-seated patterns of thoughts and feelings that we developed as children to make sense of the world and to survive in it. They were our childhood brain's best attempt to understand our environment and get our core needs met. The problem is, while these patterns may have protected us then, they often hold us back as adults. They operate unconsciously, steering our decisions, shaping our relationships, and dictating our emotional reactions.

If you often think, "I don't know why I act this way," it's a powerful sign that a schema is at the wheel. Understanding where these schemas come from is the first step to taking back control and living a more fulfilling life.

If you want to understand why your life looks the way it does, I invite you on a journey. A journey to the very beginning—to the needs that every one of us carries inside.

Stage 1: The First Breath – The Need for Safety (0-1 year)

Psychological Conflict: Trust vs. Mistrust

When we come into the world, we are completely dependent. Our primary instinct is survival. We need not only food and warmth but, above all, a sense of safety that comes from the steady, predictable, and affectionate presence of a caregiver.

When the need is met: When you cry, someone comes. When you're hungry, someone feeds you. When you need closeness, someone holds you. You learn a fundamental truth about the world: "The world is a safe place. People can be trusted. My needs are important." This builds the foundation for healthy relationships and self-worth.

When the need is not met: If your care was chaotic, cold, or your needs were often ignored, the world appears unpredictable and threatening. You learn that you can't rely on anyone, and asking for help is pointless or even dangerous.

This can lead to the formation of powerful, early schemas:

Mistrust/Abuse Schema: The core belief is, "People will hurt or take advantage of me." As an adult, you might be defensively suspicious of others' motives, assume the worst, or find yourself in relationships that confirm this belief.

Emotional Deprivation Schema: This is a quieter, emptier feeling. The core belief is, "My need for love will never be met. No one truly understands or cares for me." You might feel chronically lonely, even in a relationship, or choose partners who are emotionally distant, reinforcing the feeling of being unseen.

Abandonment/Instability Schema: The core belief is, "The people I love will leave me." This creates a frantic anxiety in relationships. You might become clingy, pushing partners away, or you might avoid deep connection altogether to prevent the inevitable pain of being left.

Stage 2: The First Steps – The Need for Autonomy (1-3 years)

Psychological Conflict: Autonomy vs. Shame and Doubt

You start to walk, talk, and explore the world. You want to do everything "by myself!" This is a natural drive for independence. What you need then is support for your attempts and acceptance of your inevitable mistakes.

When the need is met: Your parents let you eat on your own (even if everything gets messy), dress yourself (even if it takes forever), and they support your curiosity. A sense of competence and pride is born within you: "I can do it! I've got this! My attempts are valuable."

When the need is not met: If every attempt you made was met with criticism ("You're doing it wrong!"), over-helping ("Here, I'll do it faster"), or shaming ("What a clumsy kid you are!"), you begin to doubt your abilities. You learn it's better not to try, because you'll only fail, and failure means shame.

This experience can create schemas like:

Dependence/Incompetence Schema: The core belief is, "I can't handle things on my own." As an adult, you might avoid making decisions, rely heavily on others for guidance, and feel overwhelmed by daily responsibilities. You don't trust your own judgment.

Defectiveness/Shame Schema: This is a profoundly painful schema. The core belief is, "There is something fundamentally wrong with me. If people truly knew me, they would reject me." It’s a persistent feeling of being flawed, unlovable, or inferior. This can lead to intense self-criticism and a fear of intimacy.

Stage 3: The First Plans – The Need for Initiative and Self-Expression (3-6 years)

Psychological Conflict: Initiative vs. Guilt

Your inner world explodes with imagination. You have a thousand ideas a minute and ask hundreds of "why?" questions. You want to create, build, and plan. You need freedom to express yourself—your ideas, your joy, but also your anger.

When the need is met: Your ideas are treated with curiosity, and your questions are met with patient answers. You have space to play and fantasize. You learn that: "My ideas have value. I can shape my world. Expressing myself is good."

When the need is not met: If your energy was stifled ("Don't be a bother!", "Stop making things up!") and your emotions were ignored or punished ("Boys don't cry," "It's not nice to be angry"), you start to feel guilty for your own needs and impulses. You learn it's better to be quiet and want nothing, because your initiative is a nuisance to others.

Schemas that can arise from this stage include:

Subjugation Schema: The core belief is, "I must put others' needs before my own, or something bad will happen." As an adult, you might find it impossible to say "no." You feel controlled by others and suppress your own anger and desires, leading to a feeling of being trapped.

Unrelenting Standards/Hypercriticalness Schema: This often develops when love and approval were conditional on performance. The core belief is, "I must be perfect in everything I do." This creates a relentless pressure to achieve. There’s no room for rest or pleasure—only a constant striving that is never satisfied. You are your own harshest critic.

Stage 4: Finding Your Place – The Need for Competence and Belonging (School Age, 6-12 years)

The Core Need: To Fit in and Feel Capable. You’re now navigating the social world of school and friendships. You need to feel that you can learn, achieve, and are accepted by your peers.

When the need is met: You receive encouragement for your efforts, not just your successes. You learn that you belong and that you are competent in your own way.

When the need is not met: If you were constantly compared to others, bullied, or felt academically or socially behind, you may feel like an outsider.

Schemas that can arise:

Social Isolation/Alienation: You carry a deep feeling of being different from everyone else. The core belief is, "I don't belong here. I am an outsider." As an adult, you may avoid social gatherings or feel intensely awkward and alone even in a crowd.

Unrelenting Standards/Hypercriticalness: If love and praise were conditional on your performance, you might develop the belief that "I must be perfect in everything I do to be worthy." This creates a relentless internal pressure. There is no rest, only a constant striving that is never satisfied, because you are your own harshest critic.

Let's look at how this plays out in a single life. Meet Alex.

Alex’s Childhood: Alex grew up in a home that looked perfect from the outside. His parents were good people who provided everything he needed materially. But they were emotionally reserved. His father worked long hours, and his mother was often stressed and anxious. Emotions were not discussed. When Alex was upset, he was told to "be a big boy" and "stop making a fuss." He was praised immensely for good grades and athletic achievements, but his feelings were ignored. His core emotional needs for warmth, emotional connection, and the freedom to be vulnerable were unmet.

The Schemas Formed:

Emotional Deprivation: Deep down, Alex learned the lesson: "My feelings don't matter. No one will be there for me emotionally."

Unrelenting Standards: He also learned: "My worth comes from what I do, not who I am. I must achieve to be loved."

Alex as an Adult: Today, Alex is 35 and incredibly successful in his career. He's a high-achiever, respected by his colleagues. But inside, he feels a constant, gnawing emptiness. He works relentlessly, driven by a fear he can't name. He has a beautiful apartment, but he feels lonely in it.

In his relationships, a painful pattern emerges. He is drawn to vibrant, emotional women, but he keeps them at arm's length. When his girlfriend tries to get closer, asking him how he feels, he shuts down. He dismisses her need for connection as "drama." He feels misunderstood (Emotional Deprivation is active). He believes he can't give her what she needs because he feels fundamentally flawed inside. Eventually, she leaves, tired of hitting a wall. Alex is left alone, and his core belief is confirmed once again: "See? No one will ever truly be there for me."

He doesn't realize he is the one pushing them away, controlled by a blueprint designed to protect a little boy who learned that feelings were unsafe and love was conditional on performance.

If Alex’s story, or any part of this journey, resonates with you, it’s because this is a universal human story. Seeing your blueprint isn't about blaming your parents; it's about understanding yourself with compassion. It’s the first step toward freedom.

Recognizing these patterns is powerful. In therapy, especially work that integrates schema therapy, we don't just talk about current problems. We journey back to find the blueprint. We give a voice to the child whose needs weren't met, and we begin to challenge those old, outdated core beliefs. We start to draw a new blueprint—one that allows for connection, self-compassion, and the kind of fulfilling life you truly deserve.

These are just a few examples of how our early experiences shape us. Jeffrey Young, the founder of Schema Therapy, identified 18 specific schemas. As you read them, see if any feel familiar.

Domain 1: Disconnection & Rejection (The need for safety, love, and belonging)

Abandonment / Instability: The belief that you will inevitably lose anyone you form an emotional attachment to.

Core Belief: "People will always leave me."

Mistrust / Abuse: The expectation that others will hurt, abuse, humiliate, or take advantage of you.

Core Belief: "I can't trust anyone; they'll only hurt me."

Emotional Deprivation: The belief that your need for emotional support, empathy, and protection will not be met by others.

Core Belief: "My emotional needs will never be met."

Defectiveness / Shame: The feeling that you are fundamentally flawed, bad, unwanted, or inferior.

Core Belief: "There's something wrong with me, and if people see it, they will reject me."

Social Isolation / Alienation: The feeling that you are different from others, and do not belong to any group or community.

Core Belief: "I don't fit in. I'm an outsider."

Domain 2: Impaired Autonomy & Performance (The need for a sense of competence and identity)

Dependence / Incompetence: The belief that you are unable to handle everyday responsibilities competently without considerable help from others.

Core Belief: "I can't cope on my own."

Vulnerability to Harm or Illness: An exaggerated fear that a catastrophe is about to strike at any time and that you will be unable to prevent it.

Core Belief: "The world is a dangerous place."

Enmeshment / Undeveloped Self: Excessive emotional involvement with a significant other (often a parent), at the cost of your own individual identity.

Core Belief: "I can't survive without them."

Failure: The belief that you have failed, will inevitably fail, or are fundamentally inadequate compared to your peers.

Core Belief: "I'm a failure."

Domain 3: Impaired Limits (The need for self-control and consideration for others)

Entitlement / Grandiosity: The belief that you are superior to others and that you are entitled to special rights and privileges.

Core Belief: "The rules don't apply to me."

Insufficient Self-Control / Self-Discipline: Difficulty or refusal to exercise self-control and frustration tolerance to achieve your goals.

Core Belief: "I can't resist my impulses."

Domain 4: Other-Directedness (The need to have your feelings and needs respected)

Subjugation: The excessive surrendering of control to others because you feel coerced—usually to avoid anger, retaliation, or abandonment.

Core Belief: "My feelings and needs don't matter. I must please others."

Self-Sacrifice: An excessive focus on voluntarily meeting the needs of others at the expense of your own gratification.

Core Belief: "I am only valuable when I'm helping others."

Approval-Seeking / Recognition-Seeking: An excessive emphasis on gaining approval, recognition, or attention from other people at the expense of developing a secure and true sense of self.

Core Belief: "I need everyone to like me to feel worthy."

Domain 5: Overvigilance & Inhibition (The need for spontaneity and play)

Negativity / Pessimism: A pervasive, lifelong focus on the negative aspects of life (pain, death, loss, disappointment) while minimizing the positive.

Core Belief: "If something can go wrong, it will."

Emotional Inhibition: The excessive inhibition of spontaneous action, feeling, or communication—usually to avoid disapproval by others, feelings of shame, or losing control of your impulses.

Core Belief: "I must control my emotions at all times."

Unrelenting Standards / Hypercriticalness: The underlying belief that you must strive to meet very high internalized standards of behavior and performance, usually to avoid criticism.

Core Belief: "I must be perfect. Good enough is not good enough."

Punitiveness: The belief that people (including yourself) should be harshly punished for making mistakes.

Core Belief: "Mistakes are unacceptable and deserve punishment."

If reading through this list felt like looking in a mirror, I want you to take a deep breath. This is not a life sentence. It’s a map. And now that you have it, you can start charting a new course.

This is the work we do in therapy. If you feel that one or more of these schemas are running your life, I can help.

In our sessions, we won't just talk about these patterns; we will get to know them. We'll explore where they came from with compassion and curiosity, not judgment. I will show you how to recognize when a schema is "activated" in your daily life. Together, we'll work to challenge the old, painful beliefs and build a new, healthier perspective—what we call the "Healthy Adult" mode. I will guide you with cognitive and behavioral strategies to heal these emotional wounds and change the self-defeating patterns they create.

Our goal is not to erase your past, but to loosen its grip on your present. It's about moving from living on autopilot to making conscious choices. It's about giving you the tools to finally meet those core needs that went unmet for so long, so you can build a life that feels authentic, connected, and truly yours.

The first step is simply reaching out.